It all started with a little comment

A few nights ago, I went to a “gathering” with a friend of mine. Of course while we were there, we all were drinking and smoking the occasional blunt; some people when they drink, they can hold their liquor and act considerably normal. Others get rowdy. Some like to make comments and don’t necessarily realize what they’re doing or saying, so they can offend without giving much of a second thought.

I adore my friend Sarah to bits – we hit it off last year when we both started attending our current university; never had any arguments or disagreements about anything trivial. That’s why I was a little taken off guard with a comment she made Friday night while we were all drinking and having a good time. I could tell she was a bit tipsier than the rest of us, so I really had no reason to get as offended as I did. But, every time someone makes a comment directed to my weight or weight in general, I do take a bit of offense.

To be honest, I can’t even remember how we got into the conversation (don’t know if that’s from the alcohol, or just a shitty part of my memory). We started talking about weight to make a long story short, I mentioned on how she was very weight conscious even though she doesn’t have to be, so she responded with she doesn’t want to look like her parents or get to their point because they are overweight. I took it the wrong way, thinking she was implying that it was my own fault for being overweight despite having medical issue that do make losing weight a bit more difficult (underactive thyroid, insulin resistant/pre-diabetes, PCOS).

Of course we apologized, and things have been since. But, of course, I was still a bit upset over the comment throughout the duration of the weekend and just finally came to the conclusion that I have to do ten times more than the next person to lose weight. I can’t just count calories, reduce carb intake, amongst other things. I have to really detox my body and change what I eat and my diet fully. I have to make new lifestyle choices; I can’t eat regular chips, or fattening food anymore.

A few years ago I was fully against a vegan diet. I’ve wanted to become a vegetarian for quite sometime, but never really acted upon it. The last time I tried was during the fall semester, and I stopped within a week because I knew damn well I wasn’t doing it correctly, and I just thought it wasn’t for me. This time, though, I have a complete change of heart and have been doing numerous amounts of research on the topics to the point that this time I know what I have to do and how I have to go about doing it. Now that I’m more educated, I can say that I am ready to try a whole vegan diet and see where it leads me.

As much as I love meat and certain dairy products, my body can’t handle it anymore. I’m only 20 and I along with these health issues, I have to make more drastic changes in order to lose weight more effectively, and just change what I’ve been doing for so long now. I’ve had many opportunities to lose weight and change what I’ve been doing; I’m not passing this one up. By next year I want to be significantly healthier and thinner with a complete new mindset and a new lease on life. That’s why, I feel that this is what I have to do. And I think for once in my life, I’ll be able to stick to it.

Food Addict? I think so.

I never thought I would ever admit to this, but I have to. It's in the title of my blog after all, and after what just happened a mere 10-15 minutes ago, I have no choice but to give in and accept the fact that I am, honestly, addicted to food.

Everyone knows how the 12-step program works for people who are in AA or NA. Step one: admit you have a problem. In a way, I guess the system isn't as flawed or pointless as I used to think it was when I was younger. It's the truth: how can you expect to help yourself if you don't even admit the problem you have?

To be fair, I never thought it was such a huge deal. Big deal, I like to eat a bit more than the next person. I'm not a binge eater; I don't sit and eat over 2,000 calories in one sitting, and I don't eat when I'm bored. The problem I have is that when I start eating, I can't stop. Or if I want a snack, I go for something completely unhealthy rather than looking more for a piece of fruit. It's a problem and it's the main reason why I can never lose weight, or stick to a plan. And it's also why whenever I exercise, the weight doesn't come off the way it should.

After tonight, I'm ready. I know I said it in my first entry, but it's nice to finally be able to admit to myself that I do have a problem, and it has to be addressed.

I'm done. It's time to get on the correct path and do what I have to do, which is develop more willpower and stay strong.

Enough is Enough

Everyone knows when they've reached their limit with something. Likewise, everyone knows when they're told themselves numerous times that a bad habit would change, no matter what it is, and within a week (or sometimes even shorter) you go back to doing exactly what it is you told yourself you wouldn't. You've promised yourself you'll make changes to everything; you'll do everything possible to try and make those changes take affect, but what happens? You think you're doing all right so you "treat" yourself to that bad habit once more, despite knowing what will happen when you're done:

You'll feel bad about it, and the next day continue to do it all over again. Then before you know it, you're locked in this vicious cycle once again; there's no hope left, and you've given up with trying to make a difference for possibly the thousandth time.

Then, at least in my case, you wind up hearing about all of the different success stories out there about people who have had the same problem as you, and have managed to over it. Granted, they might have fallen down a few times, but they've always managed to pick themselves up and reach goal, whether it takes a week, month, few months, etc.

Then you get angry with yourself for not being as strong as the others. You curse yourself for constantly holding back and not having the right amount of willpower. You try to blame everyone else around you where in the end, there's no one else to blame except for yourself.

Once you're able to come to that realization, things seem ten times easier, right? Well, not exactly. I've sat here for a good few hours contemplating whether I even wanted to make this blog because I always forget about them. I give up after one fall off the road because I feel it'll never happen; like I will never reach the 80 pound weight loss goal I so desperately want to achieve.

As a teenager, it used to be for all of the wrong reasons: to look like idols, to be beautiful, to have a boyfriend. Now, none of those matter as much. If anything, they just seem so trivial. In the end, all I ever wanted was to be healthy and feel comfortable in my own skin. Yes, there still are certain clothes I would like to wear and a particular way I would like to look, and I guess by giving myself the incentive that one day it can possibly happen, then I can make this journey work.

I've promised myself year after year that by December I will look different. It's never happened, but now... I think I'm ready. I'll have the assistance of weight watchers on my side, yes, but hopefully it'll be a starting point for me to finally come to the conclusion that this is what I should have been doing all along.

Like stated in my profile, this is going to be far from easy. I'm not searching for perfection. If anything, I'm searching for the chance to finally accept myself and do the things I've always wanted to do, but with a new lease on life.