Enough is Enough

Everyone knows when they've reached their limit with something. Likewise, everyone knows when they're told themselves numerous times that a bad habit would change, no matter what it is, and within a week (or sometimes even shorter) you go back to doing exactly what it is you told yourself you wouldn't. You've promised yourself you'll make changes to everything; you'll do everything possible to try and make those changes take affect, but what happens? You think you're doing all right so you "treat" yourself to that bad habit once more, despite knowing what will happen when you're done:

You'll feel bad about it, and the next day continue to do it all over again. Then before you know it, you're locked in this vicious cycle once again; there's no hope left, and you've given up with trying to make a difference for possibly the thousandth time.

Then, at least in my case, you wind up hearing about all of the different success stories out there about people who have had the same problem as you, and have managed to over it. Granted, they might have fallen down a few times, but they've always managed to pick themselves up and reach goal, whether it takes a week, month, few months, etc.

Then you get angry with yourself for not being as strong as the others. You curse yourself for constantly holding back and not having the right amount of willpower. You try to blame everyone else around you where in the end, there's no one else to blame except for yourself.

Once you're able to come to that realization, things seem ten times easier, right? Well, not exactly. I've sat here for a good few hours contemplating whether I even wanted to make this blog because I always forget about them. I give up after one fall off the road because I feel it'll never happen; like I will never reach the 80 pound weight loss goal I so desperately want to achieve.

As a teenager, it used to be for all of the wrong reasons: to look like idols, to be beautiful, to have a boyfriend. Now, none of those matter as much. If anything, they just seem so trivial. In the end, all I ever wanted was to be healthy and feel comfortable in my own skin. Yes, there still are certain clothes I would like to wear and a particular way I would like to look, and I guess by giving myself the incentive that one day it can possibly happen, then I can make this journey work.

I've promised myself year after year that by December I will look different. It's never happened, but now... I think I'm ready. I'll have the assistance of weight watchers on my side, yes, but hopefully it'll be a starting point for me to finally come to the conclusion that this is what I should have been doing all along.

Like stated in my profile, this is going to be far from easy. I'm not searching for perfection. If anything, I'm searching for the chance to finally accept myself and do the things I've always wanted to do, but with a new lease on life.